“Oops…”: The Week In Debates for 11/06/11-11/12/11

November 14, 2011 Leave a comment

“Rick Perry isn’t the guy you want to have a Beer with, he’s the kind of guy who got a head start on the beer before you got there.” – Stephen Colbert

I made a boo boo!

I’m a busy man. I am most busy on Wednesdays, so I did not see the CNBC debate. When I was done being busy enough to check my Facebook at 11PM however, I was greeted by somebody posting the following video that simply said, “Watch Rick Perry’s Campaign End Before Your Eyes.” Uh oh… That can’t be good. I played it.

Note: When I was writing the piece, the video was still online, but due a copyright infringement claim by CNBC, the video has been taken down. Which warrants outrage in its own right, and probably some investigation since I could make the argument that this falls more into public domain.

Oh bother… Rick Perry is going onwards with his campaign, but he’s going to face more resistance than a non-white person trying to enter a building owned by Donald Trump. Since the debate happened well after the late night programs taped, things simmered overnight, then all hellfire crashed down. Not a ton of people watched Perry’s supposedly drunken speech, but aforementioned “Oops…” video hit well over two million views the last time I checked it. This is like when Miss South Carolina talked about her maps and the people that didn’t have them. No doubt about it, the people now know of the Brain Freeze of Rick Perry. Which is quite the accomplishment itself, since only 3.3 Million people saw it, half of the previous debate’s audience.

This Turtle Is Unhappy With The Current Batch of Republican Canidates

“I want to be President — but not like this.” – Saturday Night Live’s Mitt Romney

Last week, I wrote of Rick Perry’s then-current state as a Survivor contestant on Redemption Island that was looking to stage a comeback. Well, he’s now been voted off the island. After all, do you want your President, or Presidential candidate saying, “Oops?” Oops, I accidentally unloaded our entire nuclear arsenal on Canada! Oops, I accidentally outlawed heterosexual marriage! Oops, I accidentally made Ke$ha Vice-President! I feel like at this point, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush look like they have Master’s degrees comparatively.

Substitute Ron Paul for Batman and you can see how he trains for debates on Tuesdays

But you know what my favorite thing of all this was? Ron F’n Paul. “5!” he says. Perry is scrambling searching for the answer and asking anybody and everybody like a panicked freshman during a final exam and Ron Paul is just like, “5!” Yes, Rick Perry can’t think of 3 government agencies he’d like to cut and Ron Paul is just like, “I can name 5 government agencies to cut off the top of my head while punching sharks in the damn nose you dumb-ass rookie!” Or at least that’s what I imagine Ron Paul’s inner-monologue sounding like. He kind of weird that way. He could say that and it wouldn’t be surprising in the least.

Sure, Perry may have the most money out of any candidate except Romney at this point, but all the money in the world can’t invent time travel. Or can it? I know I’d put up with 8 years of Rick Perry if I was promised the invention of time travel. Heck, Herman Cain can do all the inappropriate things he allegedly wants to do if I get Time Travel out of the deal.

So, with Rick Perry accidentally chugging laxative before a Survivor challenge involving staying in a small cave with a group of hot women for 24 hours, Rick Perry has been voted off Redemption Island. And no, doing a Top 10 list on Letterman or repeating the phrase, “I Stepped In It” does not give you a pass to come back.

“Rick Perry could shoot a puppy during the online-exclusive portion of this debate and nobody would realize it.” – Me

Damn Roadrunner...

Then there was also a debate on a Saturday night, on CBS. Don’t worry, you’re forgiven if this is the first time you’re hearing about it. I didn’t know it existed until somebody told me a few hours beforehand, and even then, I had to find confirmation that it existed via TV Guide. If you went to CBS.com beforehand or during, or basically any website on the Internet outside of CBSnews.com, the existence of this debate was a complete non-story. Since CBS themselves treated it like a non-story, the  debate was itself a non-story. Essentially, there were two notable, if you want to call them that, events surrounding the debate.

First off, like the other debates, this debate was an hour and a half, but unlike the other debate, CBS was exclusively streaming the last 30 minutes online at CBSnews.com. Unless you lived exclusively in South Carolina or the West Coast, you had no way of seeing the debate in a non-offline scenario. For people like me, we were treated to yet another repeat of NCIS. Why? Ratings. The debate was watched by 5.29 million people. 5.5 million watched NCIS. Sure, it’s Saturday night, but CBS knows that people would rather see Mark Harmon’s face than Mitt Romney’s face. In fact, I’m starting it now…

2016 Bitches!

Now, I don’t know how many people watched the online portion of the debate, but because it was both online-only and on a Saturday night, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann could have done the nasty and literally nobody would know/care. Rick Perry, you should have made your mistake then. As/is, he just gave this soundbite:

“The communist Chinese government will end up on the ash heap of history if they do not change their virtues.” – Rick Perry

Sure, it’s incredibly ignorant and stupid, but it’s not a newsmaking gaffe. Since this is Progress for Perry, or hashtag “#PerryProgress,” Newsweek said he might have won the debate by virtue of not screwing up. Also, apparently the people also like the self-deprecation he’s doing in making fun of his own gaffe. Does this mean Perry can once again stage a comeback? No. Stop that. Perry was voted off Redemption Island, remember? I know Newt Gingrich is swimming back to shore, but… You know what? Screw it.

Put them all in a room with either each other, or each other AND a gorilla. Whoever comes out alive gets the Republican Nomination. So of course, Ron Paul will win. Damn it…

Fact: Ron Paul has Jedi Skills.

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Occupying Wall Street In Boone: Act 3

November 8, 2011 Leave a comment

R.I.P.

First, some history for the sake of context. Starting in Winston-Salem, NC in 1879, Wachovia was a North Carolina staple of banking. If you live in the state and want the biggest frequency of ATMs, you simply go with Wachovia. Basically, a lot of people in North Carolina called Wachovia their bank. For a while, this worked fine and dandy. In 2007, they were making over 2 billion bucks. But then the financial crisis hit, and hit hard.

In summer of 2008, Wachovia lost 9 billion dollars. Immediately, they were in danger of dying. They weren’t too big to fail, but their failure would be especially annoying. So, vulnerable and cheap, ready to sell, Wells Fargo bought them and had everything signed and sold by the end of the year. Since then, they’ve heralding the biggest bank transition in US history. On the weekend of October 13th, Wells Fargo transitioned 317 of the last Wachovia branches. Wachovia died. Wells Fargo was ushered in.

Personally, the change hasn’t been too noticeable. Sure, I carry a card with the logo of a now non-existent company, but everything is proceeding as normal. I even get to do banking on the Wells Fargo iPhone app now, which Wachovia didn’t have.

Nothing Says Dependable Like A Stagecoach

The problem lies in the transition itself. Literally, in the course of a weekend, signs were taken down, and put up. The interiors were repainted. New quotes were put up.  New logos displayed. They even gave out candy in celebration. If you think about it, this is quite the feat of coordination. 317 giant new signs had to be taken to each branch. 317 people had to put them up. 317 branches had to have their insides repainted. 317 people had to buy candy, of course charged to cooperate. And don’t forget about all the ATMs that were also converted. Basically, it costs a lot of money to get that kind of coordination. Sure, you might employ local businesses, but where do you get the money to pay for all of that? The money you squeeze by foreclosing on houses and such? Granted, Wells Fargo is a business, but the transition seems to be a giant, relatively useless expenditure in a time of great need.

Besides this example of corporate idiocy within marching distance of the college, the Wells Fargo also sits on the corner of the busiest intersection in the county, if not a bunch of the surrounding counties. We probably only stood there for an hour, but during that hour, during rush hour on a Friday, it’s quite possible that 500-1000 cars passed through. And there we were, and the corner of it all, exposing ourselves and message to the most number of people possible.

Spot the Bird

Call Me Chicken Now!

Since the sidewalk, is also fairly large, it gave us plenty of space to not only protest, but to mill about and take pictures. I of course, was a mostly favorite to document. People told me how they liked the mask and sign. One person expressed his opinion that anger is a weak emotion. Some liked the fact that I was using an Angry Bird. Other people expressed their like with less accuracy, “Hey, red chicken, turn around!” an old lady said, asking if she could take my picture. Other people came closer, with the name, “Mad Bird.”

So there we stood. For an hour, turning our signs to whichever direction of traffic was moving. And since it takes some 5 minutes for the traffic light to cycle through everybody, some got to literally look at me and my ridiculous bird costume for 5 minutes. We’d get honks. We’d get cheers of support. We’d get yelling from drunk Frats.

But mostly by the end, I’d gotten cold. We’d started our march at like 5PM, and I finished my protesting at 6:30, but with fingers numb, and stomach grumbling. I thought about walking across the street to the Wendy’s, but it might look weird if I frequented a corporate establishment after declaring my anger for The Man’s greed. So I walked back to campus, mask back at my side, thinking about what I had just experienced during my first protest.

Overall, here’s what I came away with from my experience with Occupy Wall Street, or at least the Boone chapter of it. I can’t speak for the “crazies” in New York City and Oakland, as well as a dozen other cities that are apparently so important that they each have Wikipedia pages.

My Angry Bird Plush, With Glasses

Occupy Wall Street is whatever you want it to mean. It does whatever you want it to do. It’s delightfully non-partisan, and doesn’t argue for either Republican or Democrat causes. It’s a bunch of people expressing dissatisfaction with the state of their nation, which they mostly love, but just want to be better.

Government is not perfect. I don’t think anybody can argue with that. Sometimes it needs to be reminded of this fact. Sometimes we need to tell it that. Telling Government that is not anti-American. Just the opposite. It’s a giant cauldron of Freedom of Speech & Expression where the young, old, middle-age, liberal, conservative, Marxist, communist, Socialist, Unitarian, baptists, Mormon, and whomever can come, and not be necessarily wrong. The 99% mantra may be what’s most heard, but it’s not necessarily the point. It’s just part of the chorus of people saying that we can live out our full potential, if we’re just given a chance, and take that chance.

The existence of the movement generates discussion about everything relating to it. From the common issues of greed, to protesting etiquette. It’s basically harmless in a sense, but there is the fringe, who should be chided if only for giving a bad name to a relatively worthy endeavor.

In closing, I’d like to offer this quote on the true reason why we’re Occupying Wall Street and America.

“For each, it is a chance to participate in something that the scholars of Wikipedia might one day record as substantial.  In the meantime, it presents innumerable opportunities for these rugged protesters to tweet and post images from their proletarian smart phones. “

P.S.: I did eventually make it to that night’s Halloween Party, and a good time was had by all. I did however, not win the costume contest.

Finally. A Good Picture of Me. That Was Totally Worth Reading The Previous 3,000 Words.

Occupying Wall Street In Boone: Act 2

November 8, 2011 Leave a comment

The Facebook event says some 200 people are going to be there to Occupy Boone. I arrive and maybe 50 are there, with another 30-50 arriving by the time we actually start marching. The weather, to put it lightly, is miserable. 35 degrees, and rainy. It’s also a Friday, which means that everybody has the compelling urge to be at home, doing something indoorsy. But hey, those that are there are true believers in the cause. This isn’t a drive-by protest. No, everybody there is mad about something, and ready to make their grievances known.

As people get their signs together, and as reporters take pictures, a member of the campus police comes by to tells us not only that he supports the cause, but to call him if we run into trouble with the local police.

I'm on the left, in the very back, without a mask. I'm the one distracted by a Squirrel on my left.

Ah... But I Like Uncle Pennybags

The organizer of the event is a Veteran, female, fairly young, with a sign reading, “Now I know what I’m fighting for! Occupy!” Maybe 50% of the participants, are actual college students. Most of them seem just like members of the community, old, young, middle age. Some even bring their kids.

We then gather in a group as a few people volunteer to speak. A couple say they’ve been to the Occupy movement in DC, and were so inspired that they wanted to help with the cause here. One person gives a few guidelines of protesting so we don’t get arrested. You know, stay on the public sidewalks and stuff. Also, do only what we have  permit to do. That’s right, the organizers of the group got a permit just to make sure we wouldn’t be pepper sprayed. Granted, that’d make us martyrs, but it’d also be extremely unpleasant in the meantime. Also, it gives more bad press.

Then a few people get up to give purpose and a goal to a group that clearly is seen by many to have none. “Did you hear that one guy? He was a total Marxist.” a man says later to a friend about one of the speakers. In all, 3 speeches are given by people wanting to give the group a goal and purpose. It goes on for maybe 10 minutes, but it feels like 20 minutes in the freezing mountain weather. I zone out as I hold my mask on my side.

This is my Bulge.

Another reason people might not have been speaking to me was the fact that I had a plush Angry Bird under my leather jacket. I was bringing it for the party later and until then didn’t want to hold the plush bird as I held the sign, or for him to get wet. As a result, I looked kind of strange with an indeterminable bulge under my jacket that might have signaled that I was pregnant,  if I was in fact a woman, or if the bulge weren’t so weirdly shaped. As a result, people would try to reach their cameras up to my tall self so they could take pictures of me as high as they could. Otherwise, it just looked weird if they captured the along my torso area.

Eventually, we were ready to march. But first, we had to find a good marching saying. One person, probably the Marxist, said that we should say something that involved the word, “F**k.”

“Eh…” “No.” “How about something else.” came the rest of the group. Eventually, somebody started the basic, “We. Are. The 99%!” Good enough. It was time to march.

Spot the Bird

We march across and through the relatively empty college campus. It wasn’t empty because of the rain or cold, it was just Friday. So we took to the streets. As soon as we got near the streets, the mood immediately changed. We were marching for Democracy and our various causes. We held our signs in ways best seen by the drivers passing by.

Some drivers would honk in approval, others would stare at the crazy people walking in the cold sprinkle. The honks were most pleasing, as we took every bit of support we could get. They honked prolongly, that means they like us, WHOO! Some would yell their support as they drove by. They were busy going about their day, but they were with us, in spirit.

When we came to an intersection, we stopped for a few minutes to let people know of our grievances at the cross roads. Stopping at intersections is optimal for two reasons:

  1. Since people are stopped by red lights, they have almost no choice but to look at you.
  2. Since an intersection is basically two roads crossing, it’s like getting two for the price of one in avenues of potential people that needed to hear our good news.

Spot The Bird

We then walked to the downtown area of Boone, an especially congested part of town where you’re always sure to find some tourist gazing our our old-timey stores and restaurants. Heck, President Obama had just bought candy on the same street some 10 days beforehand. Not only were we reaching tourists and locals looking to get drunk on a dreary Friday, but we were also passing any number of small-businesses.

After walking through downtown, we came to a particularly construction-raddled intersection, which didn’t make for optimal protesting. So as we tried to dodge the construction, this gave people to think of other protest sayings. As we walked through downtown, the predominant saying was, “Show me what Democracy looks like. This is what Democracy looks like!” We tried to come up with better ones, but we had to stay simple, lest the harmony of the chants was lost as we, the crowd, forgot what the long chants were right after they were told to us.

Now’s probably a good time to talk about the extremist role in all of this. Not because were were attacked, but because it’s just a nice break in the protesting timeline. There are basically three kinds of protesters in the movement:

  1. Those that believe in the movement, but go too far. See Cornel West, probably. These are the minority.
  2. Those that don’t believe in the movement, and just use it to go too far. See Oakland. These are absolute fringe.
  3. Those that believe in the movement, and protest reasonably. These are the majority.

At one point while walking to our ultimate destination of protest, some of our people literally took to the street. Granted, it was a 4-lane street, but it’s still annoying to local drivers, giving the Occupy movement a bad image in their minds. Also, the police don’t like you walking in the street and clogging traffic. The people in the street saw themselves as doing right since they were “taking Democracy to the streets,” but the rest of us on the sidewalk knew it was a bad idea, and expressed our displeasure with “Nahs,” “Uhs,” and “Maybe We Shouldn’t Do Thats.” A minute later, everybody got back on the sidewalk.

Like the Marxist before, the rest of the group let them know of their displeasure because of the image it’d give our cause. With a movement like this, I think these voices need to be louder in chiding our fellow extremists. When we do anything for a cause, we need to approach it like a PR person. How can we portray ourselves in a positive light? How can I not give a negative image with my actions? Point is, the movement needs to do everything within the law, and chide those that do otherwise. There is a fine line you can walk, but I think it’d be better at this point, while getting everybody on your side, that the movement does condemn those who go too far, or even close to too far.

But getting back to the march. We walk down the street, yelling in approval everytime we heard a honk, to route to our ultimate destination, the local Wells Fargo bank.

Spot the Bird

Occupying Wall Street In Boone: Act 1

November 8, 2011 Leave a comment

My cousin in the Bronx, he knows everyone. And he said start the revolution without me, I’ll definitely be at the next one.” – Kaiser Chiefs

Last week, as a college Senior, I realized something. I’d never protested before. After all, it seems that all great college experiences and great moments of history involve a protest on a college campus in effort to cause change. Vietnam, Iraq etc. So, when I saw a flier that Occupy Wall Street would be coming to my college campus, I was interested. But not convinced.

After all, we’re in need of an Independent perspective on the Occupy Wall Street movement.  Ask a Liberal, and they’ll say, ‘Why are you asking me what I think about it? You should be out there!’ Ask a Conservative, and they’ll say, ‘They’re a bunch of friggin’ hippies.’ With a lack of leadership or even clear purpose, it’s easy for anyone to make whatever assumption or judgement about them that they want. Are Burger Kings being used as a bathroom by people in beards and scruffy hair more than usual? Well, the Occupy movement can’t say otherwise, so the crazies must speak for the movement.

Then there’s those bloody commies. Always coming along and saying we have to take from the rich and give to the poor. Spread the wealth like homeless men with STDs. This country wasn’t founded on Socialism, it’s a Democracy! Then there’s the fact that they’re lazy. So, so, so, lazy. They should be out trying to find a job instead of complaining that they don’t have one. Nobody got anywhere in this country without working a little! It’s like they’re Mexican, or French, or some other nationality we don’t like, or something!

With the exaggerations being spewed like the above paragraph on a daily basis, it’s hard to tell what to make of it all. Heck, everybody only knows of the 99% and 1% dichotomy because they yelled it so many times. Yet, despite so many predictions that it would die on the fringe, it’s still around, at least until it starts snowing. Not only has it stuck around so far, but it’s thrived. Since the media hasn’t stopped talking about it, more people have heard the messages, and it now seems like every city has an Occupy movement.

America is being Occupied, and everything is being occupied. Does Jupiter have too much mass? #OccupyJupiter. It’s all in parody of course, but with every parody, the public is made more aware of the existence of this group of “crazies.” Eventually, everybody will have to decide, or decide who decides for them, if they agree with the group or not.

Then the night before the protest on my campus, I read an article on the correlation between the popular iPhone game, Angry Birds. If you don’t know, Angry Birds is a game where you slingshot a bird into a structure housing a pig. The goal is to knock the structure down in such a way that it crushes the pig inside. Why? Here’s the developer’s description of the game.

“The survival of the Angry Birds is at stake. Dish out revenge on the green pigs who stole the Birds’ Eggs. Use the unique destructive powers of the Angry Birds to lay waste to the Pigs’ fortified castles.”

Our Eggs...

If you’ve never played the game before, then you should. It’s really fun, and at the cost of 99 cents, you get more bang for you buck than 95% of actual video games that cost $60 on a machine that costs $250 or more. The game is created with so much charm and quirks, that the sound effects and theme songs have become cultural mainstays, while the company is making a fortune in merchandise, etc. Getting back to the article, the author compares the above description to our current cultural struggle.

Reread that description and exchange the word Birds for the word “Americans”.  Now trade the word Pig, for any of the following:  Congress, the President, Wall Street, Big Banks, The Top 1%, and so on.  Pick your poison.  For those valuable Eggs that belonged to the Birds and were stolen by the Pigs; substitute the word, Jobs, Retirement Accounts, Investments, or Elections.  You can see why Americans would be mad.

The A-B-Team

Cue the lightbulb of inspiration. The Birds are the 99%, the Pigs are the 1%, and they stole our eggs that we have to get back. Time to get angry! But it’ll literally be in the 30s all day tomorrow. Never mind.

But then I changed my mind again. Since it was the Friday before Halloween, it was Halloween party time. This year, I was going as a Red Angry Bird. Why? Because it was extremely silly, and I liked the prospect of wearing what was basically a giant cotton ball on my head all night. Inspiration struck again. I could dress up as the Angry Bird as I protest, and use Angry Bird-related sayings to protest. I did this for a few reasons.

  1. Dressing up with a giant Angry Bird on my head would make me stand out from everybody else. After all, in a sea of protesters, it’s hard to get your message across. You could say something about the 99%, but the guy next to you, and the guy behind him are also saying something about the 99%. Boring. Wearing my Halloween costume to protest? That will draw eyes.
  2. With the mask on, it’s hard to tell that it’s me wearing it. Therefore, if somebody saw a picture of me, they couldn’t immediately tell it was me. If the local police decided to pepper spray me and I ended up on the front page of the paper, I would probably be fine. Relatively speaking. It’s just a crazy with a bird on his head.
  3. Angry Birds is both an original, and kind of perfect metaphor.
  4. Since it’s a metaphor, it can be vague. What am I Angry at? You have to read my sign.
  5. But my signs are also vague. One side reads, “I’m Angry at the greed.” Greed of who? Wall Street? Government? Democracy? Obama? Bush? Adam Sandler for starring in Jack and Jill for what is clearly a large paycheck? I don’t know.
  6. My second sign read, “The Pigs Keep Stealing My Eggs.” Again, it’s vague. Who are the pigs? What eggs am I referring to? My money, my time, my desire to look at cat videos on YouTube? You tell me.
  7. The whole thing also makes people smile. Ridiculousness is always appreciated in my eyes, and it would lighten the otherwise sad proceedings since we’re mad about lost money, and the demise of Civilization.

They're Also Angry At The Education System

In a way, I’m parodying the whole thing. It’s totally ridiculous that somebody would be marching around town to “protest” Wall Street in an Angry Bird costume, with signs making reference to a stupid game. It’s all so vague, but at the same time, it’s perfect. Anybody can look at me and derive anything they want. Mad at the Wall Street Fat Cats? I could be standing with you. And since I knew none of the other protesters, it’s not like they were going to go up to me and start a whole deep discussion of my political beliefs, and reasons for protesting. Not like I was going to start any conversation. I was there in strictly a observational, immersive capacity.

I drew up the signs and colored them in on an old Papa Johns box I had. But again, it was cold outside. But wait, somebody on the group’s Facebook page says the local TV news is going to be there. Since I like being on TV, I knew I had to go now (Either I was misled, or Channel 12 dislikes rain, because they never showed). I could just wear a jacket, and be closer to the Halloween party when it actually came around. I could just kill some time, in a productive investigation that could be later turned into a blog, or two, or three.

One Thing's For Sure. The Pig's Going Down.

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Mitt Romney

November 5, 2011 Leave a comment

Survivor: To Remain Alive or in Existence.

With the Holidays upon us, and Primary Season around the corner, it’s time to check-up, Survivor style, on how the Republican candidates are faring the media ringer. So does Mitt Romney prove that slow and steady wins the race? Will the Conservatives accept his rational ideas? Or do nice guys and people who draw the ire of Occupy Wall Street finish last?
Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks, so make sure to seek out the previous two blogs focusing on Bachmann & Perry and Herman Cain.

The One Who Wins The Million By Virtue Of Not Screwing Up, Before Being Ticked That The IRS Claims Half Of It In Income Tax

This Hat Says It, So It Must Be True. Either That Or This Hat Is Trying WAY Too Hard To Get Its Intentions Across

I’ve alluded to this before in these Survivor-style blogs, but Mitt Romney’s been put through the ringer, not once, but twice. First time in 2008, he caved under the barrage of flip-flopping charges, and inexperience with running for President, and utterly failed. 3 or 4 years later, and he’s come back again for more, this time with responses to his flip-flopping charges. No scandals are coming out, no questions he hasn’t heard before, no surprises. If there were, they would have come out by now. But no, Romney kept himself out of trouble since 2008 so he would have nothing new to deal with. Master the old stuff, and you can look like a pro.

He doesn’t really have anything new in a good way, but at least he doesn’t have anything new in an old way. He can handle the media, and he can handle his fellow candidates fairly well.  He doesn’t have to surge ahead. He can just sit around and let the Primaries come to him. He’s even doing well in Iowa, which he’s historically terrible at. All that, and he’s already started going directly after Obama for 2012.

Essentially, he only has one big problem: His Own Party.

I was recently listening to an episode of “On Point with Tom Ashbrook” this week, a program on NPR, and its exploration of Romney’s relation with his own party entitled simply, “Mitt Romney and the GOP.” Talking with various Conservative and political commentators, as well as the callers into the program, it’s interesting to hear people’s raw opinions on the man. Basically, Conservatives and Tea Partiers hate him because he’s not true to their values. A lot of people of the Christian faith hate him because he’s Mormon.

Like the Picture, Dislike the Implication

Now, if worst comes to worst for them and they’re faced with the choice of Romney vs. Obama, they won’t say, but for now, as ridiculous and idiotic as their reasons are, Romney will not have their support during the Primaries. The question is, can he overcome the apparently massive hate for him? Can he overcome perceptions of flip-flopping?

His attraction to Independents won’t matter until the general election, so until then, if he can get there, his biggest challenge will be his own party, which so far doesn’t really have a viable alternative. Unless you can’t Ron Paul, which you can’t because The Media says that Ron Paul cannot be counted, and is just a black hole to be ignored.

See? Mitt Romney is Walking On Water. Mitt Romney Is Therefore Jesus.

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Herman Cain

November 5, 2011 Leave a comment

A Game of Survival!

With the Holidays upon us, and Primary Season around the corner, it’s time to check-up, Survivor style, on how the Republican candidates are faring the media ringer. So will Herman Cain be voted off, or will he come back like a bat out of hell, here to spread the message of Pizza and electric fences?
Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks as it were, so make sure to seek out the other two blogs focusing on Bachmann & Perry and Mitt Romney.

The One That Keeps Trying To Have Sex With All The Other Contestants, Making Pretty Much Everybody Mad. Also, He Uses His Immunity Idol At All The Wrong Times.

Fact: This is the first image that comes up when you type "Herman Cain Sexy" into Google Images.

When I first heard the name Herman Cain, it was back in May when he confused the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. I immediately dismissed him and his chances because I’d never heard of him, and he made a stupid like that. No way we’d ever hear from him again! I was of course wrong… Just as everybody else in the race was seeming to fall out of grace, here comes Herman Cain winning the Florida Straw Poll as a last ditch effort. Even back then, like a month ago, I blogged about how winning the Florida Straw Poll was stupid, and we’d never hear of him again. After all, he was a Pizza guy with no political experience. I was again… wrong. Considering how a nobody just won the Florida Straw Poll, the media started looking into him and built him up. America liked what they saw for some reason, and he shot to the top of the polls. Then, he started talking. Then he started talking more. Then, THE SCANDAL broke.

Let’s get something clear first, this is not a grand media conspiracy against Herman Cain because he’s a Republican, a Black Republican, or just because the media is mean. Why?

  1. The media built him up. They can tear him down. That’s kind of their job.
  2. Herman Cain is an inexperienced, not smart person.

A Smile Only a Pimp Could Love

Sorry. It’s true. Herman Cain never would have had a shot without the media building him up and acknowledging his existence. After all, as the 4th Estate of Government, it’s the media’s job to put you through the ringer of challenges to see if you can come out on the other side. Mitt Romney got put through with his flip-flopping and is considered a perennial frontrunner. Herman Cain is being put through, and is failing miserably.

Even before THE SCANDAL, Cain was looking less than appealing. He thought China was developing Nuclear capabilities, when they’ve had them since the 1960s. His stance on abortion has been iffy. There was the ludicrous campaign commercial. The Electric Fence “Joke.” He doesn’t care about the President of Uzbekistan, Islam Karimov, or his name. All of this is fodder for the Obama campaign if Cain wins the nomination. At this point, Cain winning the nomination would mean an utter bloodbath for the Republicans considering Cain’s baggage.

Little Known Fact: Gloria Cain actually hates Pizza. She Always Orders Breadsticks.

True or not, THE SCANDAL is out there. And Cain isn’t helping matters. He thrashed around like a caught fish when questioned about THE SCANDAL or any of its details all week. He would deny, acknowledge, then deny the next little detail, before acknowledging its existence again. All while his wife has been suspiciously absent. She was nowhere to be found before THE SCANDAL, and she’s cancelling anything that might remotely put her in the spotlight after it. If the wife stands beside you during this time, then it gives you credibility that you’re aren’t a sleazy deviant.

Instead, Cain is digging a hole that nobody knows how far it’ll go. Will it bury him, or will it build him support and funds from everybody that believes Cain is just an innocent victim of The Media? I say he falters under pressure, but I’ve been wrong about the Hermanator twice before, so it’s anybody’s guess. Besides, it’s not like Conservatives like the alternative very much.

Now it’s time for commercial break. This an official video from Herman Cain’s YouTube page where he pays tribute to the victims of 9/11 with “God Bless America,” which he sings. The video is so wrong on so many different levels, one of which is the fact that the video seems a little bit self-serving. You know, promoting yourself on an emotional level because you’re singing a patriotic anthem in tribute to 9/11. Did Obama ever do that?

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Bachmann and Perry

November 5, 2011 3 comments

The Tribe Has Spoken. Oh Wait, We Have To Do A Recount.

Still a few months out from Primary season, and just about every candidate has not only shot themselves in the foot, but the leg, the abdomen, the buttocks, the other foot, an ear, a pinky finger, and that guy that Dick Cheney shot, who is kept in a target practice room in Republican Headquarters. But like all non-incumbent candidates before them, it’s a race of less mistakes. Or the least mistakes anybody cares about, and/or notices. After all, Howard Dean’s Scream wasn’t that important, but it was very visible. Because of that, John Kerry won the Democratic nomination. Was John Kerry better than Howard Dean? I don’t know, but Kerry didn’t “Whoo!”

The same is ever-true for this election, and even more so. Looking back on the last election, we had a ton of professional veterans that would have made at least somewhat decent Presidents. This year? It’s a bunch of snot-nosed rookies. Fred Thompson’s been around, so he doesn’t say stupid things. Same with Rudy Giuliani. All his scandals  have been raked over, and his likelihood of saying stupid things is also very low. Victims of extremely low numbers last go-around, either of them would be viewed as Gods if they entered this time around. But nope, the only candidates from 2008 that came back are Mitt Romney and Ron Paul, but as the media has made it very clear, Ron Paul doesn’t really matter, even though like Romney, he’s also stayed very steady, if even gaining support.

So, let’s take stock of the current Republican Survivor contestants. Note: At this point in the season, I, a politically-minded Jeff Probst, have already “voted off” Jon Huntsman (Maybe for the China Season), Gary Johnston (Only if everybody else gets Dysentery), Newt Gingrich (Don’t worry, he’ll be back for All-Star Season), Rick Santorum (It’s the name) and Ron Paul (You know, because of the media and stuff).

Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks as it were, so make sure to seek out the other two blogs focusing on Herman Cain and Mitt Romney.

The One Quietly Sitting Near You While You Sleep Waiting For the Right Moment To Strike You With A Coconut

A Re-Creation of Bachmann's Campaign in a Month

Sure, she’s mostly harmless, but there’s always a chance she could do something. That makes for great entertainment. Or did make for great entertainment, as it were, as people who dressed up as Michele Bachmann for Halloween, only to be mistaken for Sarah Palin the whole night found out. Forever living at the bottom of polls, Bachmann is a Conservative back-up back-up, for when both Cain and Perry go bottoms up.  Also, Bachmann seen as sort of crazy, and if she ever did get nominated, there’s ample material to prove it in commercials.  Fortunately, nobody will have to face that prospect. She’s a one-trick Taunton that’s about to be cut open due to lack of funding. Oh, and how’s that Tea Party support working out?

The One Plotting A Well-Timed Comeback On Redemption Island, That Might or Might Not End Horribly

Ron Paul would be still be on Redemption Island due to his secret Ninja skills, but again, The Media kicked him out. Apparently Ninja Skills aren't exiting enough for today's political climate.

If George W. Bush was seen as a kid in Elementary school, then Rick Perry will be seen as a college frat boy. He may have some grasp of the issues and reality, but he constantly talks like he’s a nerd trying to talk to a hot girl at a bar. Nobody knows what’s coming out, but damn if he isn’t trying. People got tired of him after his poor debate performances, which Alec Baldwin hilariously parodied. Then Herman Cain stole all his thunder, which means nobody was really looking at him when he gave a speech in New Hampshire. Those who saw it think considerably less of him, but the vast majority of people did not see it. As far as they know, Rick Perry is in a hole somewhere. So, Perry is seizing the moment of Herman Cain’s weakness  and trying to take back the position of top choice for Conservatives. He’s going to continue performing in debates, he’s portraying a regular guy image, he’s trying to befriend Conservative media and he’s telling everybody to give him a second look. Will they? It’s certainly possible with the downfall of Herman Cain under way, but he only have a couple of months until primary season. Not much time to rebuild.

Now it’s time for commercial break. Here’s Rick Perry sounding all too happy that Obama is “destroying” the economy  because he reads a teleprompter. I wonder what Perry was reading while doing this commercial?