Home > Editorial, Politics > So Yeah, That Happened: Florida & Herman Cain Edition

So Yeah, That Happened: Florida & Herman Cain Edition

I Think EVERYBODY Should Have Free Extra Cheese, For An Extra $1.99!

Apparently, there was a Florida Straw Poll over the weekend, on Saturday in fact, a fact that I was completely oblivious to until the news told me not only that this existed, but Herman Cain won it. Yes, Herman “My Pizza Places Look Like A Gas Station Subway” Cain was decided as the #1 pick for Republican Floridians. Or at least, for those Republican Floridians who bothered to attend.

Now, I’ve already waxed about the stupidity of the Iowa Straw Poll, but Florida is a little different. Granted, it’s still a straw poll, which by their very nature, are very bad at predicting Presidential candidates, or anything for that matter. But Florida actually has a good track record at picking candidates the last 3 times the poll has been held, picking Ronald Reagan, George Bush 1, and Bob Dole.

How The Mighty Have Fallen, And the Unlikely Have Risen... Like Pizza Dough!

Wait, where’s George Bush 2 in that? What about John McCain? Oh, that’s right, they haven’t had one in some 15 years because the idea of a Florida Straw Poll is inherently stupid. Think about it, the benefits of winning any Straw Poll are temporary at best, and the thought of spending valuable amounts of time and resources campaigning for a Straw Poll in the truly massive state of Florida is exceedingly ill-advised. That’s why Mitt Romney announced months in advance that he didn’t give a crap about any of these Straw Polls, anymore.

Still, even with not a crap given, Romney still got 14%, a very close 3rd. You know who actually made an effort in Florida? Herman Cain. Why? Because, not learning from the misguided mistake of Tim Pawlenty, he actually decided that the Florida Straw Poll was a good place to judge his progress in running for President. Unlike Pawlenty however, Cain was vindicated, and he will now continue until he finds another reason that he shouldn’t be President like he has twice before, before reconsidering.

I Was CEO of This For 10 Years!

That’s right kids, Herman Cain has thought to himself, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t be President’ not once, but twice now.

And who can blame him? Up until this point, Cain’s presence has only led to three things:

  1. An influx of Pizza jokes.
  2. Racial Diversity in the Republican Debates
  3. A Possible Audition for a Cabinet Position

Cain says that this win translates to “momentum,” but it’s illusionary momentum, if that. The other candidates think that Cain is a nice guy, and might make for a good VP, but for the people, there’s a lack of name-recognition, real political experience and let’s face it, that whole Pizza thing is a huge ‘Joke’ maker that he will never live down, nor does he want to, as he’s currently considering the slogan, “I Will Deliver,” apparently loving the joke lines Saturday Night Live writes to make fun of him. To put it simply, Herman Cain still has no chance of winning the Presidency, and selecting him for VP seems to me like a possible misguided suicide move. Again, to run for the highest political offices, you kind of have to be politically savvy, or have been in it at any point in your life, and no, running the Federal Reserve in Kansas City for a year doesn’t count.

Sorry Herman, but your Presidential Pizza is cold, soggy, and has less flavor than Pizza Hut pepperoni grease. See what I mean about the Pizza jokes? They write themselves AND they’re irresistible.

He Should Really Wear This Hat More Often; Increases His Coolness From Nilch Levels

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