Home > Comedy, Editorial, Politics > Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Herman Cain

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Herman Cain

A Game of Survival!

With the Holidays upon us, and Primary Season around the corner, it’s time to check-up, Survivor style, on how the Republican candidates are faring the media ringer. So will Herman Cain be voted off, or will he come back like a bat out of hell, here to spread the message of Pizza and electric fences?
Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks as it were, so make sure to seek out the other two blogs focusing on Bachmann & Perry and Mitt Romney.

The One That Keeps Trying To Have Sex With All The Other Contestants, Making Pretty Much Everybody Mad. Also, He Uses His Immunity Idol At All The Wrong Times.

Fact: This is the first image that comes up when you type "Herman Cain Sexy" into Google Images.

When I first heard the name Herman Cain, it was back in May when he confused the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. I immediately dismissed him and his chances because I’d never heard of him, and he made a stupid like that. No way we’d ever hear from him again! I was of course wrong… Just as everybody else in the race was seeming to fall out of grace, here comes Herman Cain winning the Florida Straw Poll as a last ditch effort. Even back then, like a month ago, I blogged about how winning the Florida Straw Poll was stupid, and we’d never hear of him again. After all, he was a Pizza guy with no political experience. I was again… wrong. Considering how a nobody just won the Florida Straw Poll, the media started looking into him and built him up. America liked what they saw for some reason, and he shot to the top of the polls. Then, he started talking. Then he started talking more. Then, THE SCANDAL broke.

Let’s get something clear first, this is not a grand media conspiracy against Herman Cain because he’s a Republican, a Black Republican, or just because the media is mean. Why?

  1. The media built him up. They can tear him down. That’s kind of their job.
  2. Herman Cain is an inexperienced, not smart person.

A Smile Only a Pimp Could Love

Sorry. It’s true. Herman Cain never would have had a shot without the media building him up and acknowledging his existence. After all, as the 4th Estate of Government, it’s the media’s job to put you through the ringer of challenges to see if you can come out on the other side. Mitt Romney got put through with his flip-flopping and is considered a perennial frontrunner. Herman Cain is being put through, and is failing miserably.

Even before THE SCANDAL, Cain was looking less than appealing. He thought China was developing Nuclear capabilities, when they’ve had them since the 1960s. His stance on abortion has been iffy. There was the ludicrous campaign commercial. The Electric Fence “Joke.” He doesn’t care about the President of Uzbekistan, Islam Karimov, or his name. All of this is fodder for the Obama campaign if Cain wins the nomination. At this point, Cain winning the nomination would mean an utter bloodbath for the Republicans considering Cain’s baggage.

Little Known Fact: Gloria Cain actually hates Pizza. She Always Orders Breadsticks.

True or not, THE SCANDAL is out there. And Cain isn’t helping matters. He thrashed around like a caught fish when questioned about THE SCANDAL or any of its details all week. He would deny, acknowledge, then deny the next little detail, before acknowledging its existence again. All while his wife has been suspiciously absent. She was nowhere to be found before THE SCANDAL, and she’s cancelling anything that might remotely put her in the spotlight after it. If the wife stands beside you during this time, then it gives you credibility that you’re aren’t a sleazy deviant.

Instead, Cain is digging a hole that nobody knows how far it’ll go. Will it bury him, or will it build him support and funds from everybody that believes Cain is just an innocent victim of The Media? I say he falters under pressure, but I’ve been wrong about the Hermanator twice before, so it’s anybody’s guess. Besides, it’s not like Conservatives like the alternative very much.

Now it’s time for commercial break. This an official video from Herman Cain’s YouTube page where he pays tribute to the victims of 9/11 with “God Bless America,” which he sings. The video is so wrong on so many different levels, one of which is the fact that the video seems a little bit self-serving. You know, promoting yourself on an emotional level because you’re singing a patriotic anthem in tribute to 9/11. Did Obama ever do that?

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