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“Oops…”: The Week In Debates for 11/06/11-11/12/11

November 14, 2011 Leave a comment

“Rick Perry isn’t the guy you want to have a Beer with, he’s the kind of guy who got a head start on the beer before you got there.” – Stephen Colbert

I made a boo boo!

I’m a busy man. I am most busy on Wednesdays, so I did not see the CNBC debate. When I was done being busy enough to check my Facebook at 11PM however, I was greeted by somebody posting the following video that simply said, “Watch Rick Perry’s Campaign End Before Your Eyes.” Uh oh… That can’t be good. I played it.

Note: When I was writing the piece, the video was still online, but due a copyright infringement claim by CNBC, the video has been taken down. Which warrants outrage in its own right, and probably some investigation since I could make the argument that this falls more into public domain.

Oh bother… Rick Perry is going onwards with his campaign, but he’s going to face more resistance than a non-white person trying to enter a building owned by Donald Trump. Since the debate happened well after the late night programs taped, things simmered overnight, then all hellfire crashed down. Not a ton of people watched Perry’s supposedly drunken speech, but aforementioned “Oops…” video hit well over two million views the last time I checked it. This is like when Miss South Carolina talked about her maps and the people that didn’t have them. No doubt about it, the people now know of the Brain Freeze of Rick Perry. Which is quite the accomplishment itself, since only 3.3 Million people saw it, half of the previous debate’s audience.

This Turtle Is Unhappy With The Current Batch of Republican Canidates

“I want to be President — but not like this.” – Saturday Night Live’s Mitt Romney

Last week, I wrote of Rick Perry’s then-current state as a Survivor contestant on Redemption Island that was looking to stage a comeback. Well, he’s now been voted off the island. After all, do you want your President, or Presidential candidate saying, “Oops?” Oops, I accidentally unloaded our entire nuclear arsenal on Canada! Oops, I accidentally outlawed heterosexual marriage! Oops, I accidentally made Ke$ha Vice-President! I feel like at this point, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush look like they have Master’s degrees comparatively.

Substitute Ron Paul for Batman and you can see how he trains for debates on Tuesdays

But you know what my favorite thing of all this was? Ron F’n Paul. “5!” he says. Perry is scrambling searching for the answer and asking anybody and everybody like a panicked freshman during a final exam and Ron Paul is just like, “5!” Yes, Rick Perry can’t think of 3 government agencies he’d like to cut and Ron Paul is just like, “I can name 5 government agencies to cut off the top of my head while punching sharks in the damn nose you dumb-ass rookie!” Or at least that’s what I imagine Ron Paul’s inner-monologue sounding like. He kind of weird that way. He could say that and it wouldn’t be surprising in the least.

Sure, Perry may have the most money out of any candidate except Romney at this point, but all the money in the world can’t invent time travel. Or can it? I know I’d put up with 8 years of Rick Perry if I was promised the invention of time travel. Heck, Herman Cain can do all the inappropriate things he allegedly wants to do if I get Time Travel out of the deal.

So, with Rick Perry accidentally chugging laxative before a Survivor challenge involving staying in a small cave with a group of hot women for 24 hours, Rick Perry has been voted off Redemption Island. And no, doing a Top 10 list on Letterman or repeating the phrase, “I Stepped In It” does not give you a pass to come back.

“Rick Perry could shoot a puppy during the online-exclusive portion of this debate and nobody would realize it.” – Me

Damn Roadrunner...

Then there was also a debate on a Saturday night, on CBS. Don’t worry, you’re forgiven if this is the first time you’re hearing about it. I didn’t know it existed until somebody told me a few hours beforehand, and even then, I had to find confirmation that it existed via TV Guide. If you went to CBS.com beforehand or during, or basically any website on the Internet outside of CBSnews.com, the existence of this debate was a complete non-story. Since CBS themselves treated it like a non-story, the  debate was itself a non-story. Essentially, there were two notable, if you want to call them that, events surrounding the debate.

First off, like the other debates, this debate was an hour and a half, but unlike the other debate, CBS was exclusively streaming the last 30 minutes online at CBSnews.com. Unless you lived exclusively in South Carolina or the West Coast, you had no way of seeing the debate in a non-offline scenario. For people like me, we were treated to yet another repeat of NCIS. Why? Ratings. The debate was watched by 5.29 million people. 5.5 million watched NCIS. Sure, it’s Saturday night, but CBS knows that people would rather see Mark Harmon’s face than Mitt Romney’s face. In fact, I’m starting it now…

2016 Bitches!

Now, I don’t know how many people watched the online portion of the debate, but because it was both online-only and on a Saturday night, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann could have done the nasty and literally nobody would know/care. Rick Perry, you should have made your mistake then. As/is, he just gave this soundbite:

“The communist Chinese government will end up on the ash heap of history if they do not change their virtues.” – Rick Perry

Sure, it’s incredibly ignorant and stupid, but it’s not a newsmaking gaffe. Since this is Progress for Perry, or hashtag “#PerryProgress,” Newsweek said he might have won the debate by virtue of not screwing up. Also, apparently the people also like the self-deprecation he’s doing in making fun of his own gaffe. Does this mean Perry can once again stage a comeback? No. Stop that. Perry was voted off Redemption Island, remember? I know Newt Gingrich is swimming back to shore, but… You know what? Screw it.

Put them all in a room with either each other, or each other AND a gorilla. Whoever comes out alive gets the Republican Nomination. So of course, Ron Paul will win. Damn it…

Fact: Ron Paul has Jedi Skills.

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Herman Cain

November 5, 2011 Leave a comment

A Game of Survival!

With the Holidays upon us, and Primary Season around the corner, it’s time to check-up, Survivor style, on how the Republican candidates are faring the media ringer. So will Herman Cain be voted off, or will he come back like a bat out of hell, here to spread the message of Pizza and electric fences?
Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks as it were, so make sure to seek out the other two blogs focusing on Bachmann & Perry and Mitt Romney.

The One That Keeps Trying To Have Sex With All The Other Contestants, Making Pretty Much Everybody Mad. Also, He Uses His Immunity Idol At All The Wrong Times.

Fact: This is the first image that comes up when you type "Herman Cain Sexy" into Google Images.

When I first heard the name Herman Cain, it was back in May when he confused the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. I immediately dismissed him and his chances because I’d never heard of him, and he made a stupid like that. No way we’d ever hear from him again! I was of course wrong… Just as everybody else in the race was seeming to fall out of grace, here comes Herman Cain winning the Florida Straw Poll as a last ditch effort. Even back then, like a month ago, I blogged about how winning the Florida Straw Poll was stupid, and we’d never hear of him again. After all, he was a Pizza guy with no political experience. I was again… wrong. Considering how a nobody just won the Florida Straw Poll, the media started looking into him and built him up. America liked what they saw for some reason, and he shot to the top of the polls. Then, he started talking. Then he started talking more. Then, THE SCANDAL broke.

Let’s get something clear first, this is not a grand media conspiracy against Herman Cain because he’s a Republican, a Black Republican, or just because the media is mean. Why?

  1. The media built him up. They can tear him down. That’s kind of their job.
  2. Herman Cain is an inexperienced, not smart person.

A Smile Only a Pimp Could Love

Sorry. It’s true. Herman Cain never would have had a shot without the media building him up and acknowledging his existence. After all, as the 4th Estate of Government, it’s the media’s job to put you through the ringer of challenges to see if you can come out on the other side. Mitt Romney got put through with his flip-flopping and is considered a perennial frontrunner. Herman Cain is being put through, and is failing miserably.

Even before THE SCANDAL, Cain was looking less than appealing. He thought China was developing Nuclear capabilities, when they’ve had them since the 1960s. His stance on abortion has been iffy. There was the ludicrous campaign commercial. The Electric Fence “Joke.” He doesn’t care about the President of Uzbekistan, Islam Karimov, or his name. All of this is fodder for the Obama campaign if Cain wins the nomination. At this point, Cain winning the nomination would mean an utter bloodbath for the Republicans considering Cain’s baggage.

Little Known Fact: Gloria Cain actually hates Pizza. She Always Orders Breadsticks.

True or not, THE SCANDAL is out there. And Cain isn’t helping matters. He thrashed around like a caught fish when questioned about THE SCANDAL or any of its details all week. He would deny, acknowledge, then deny the next little detail, before acknowledging its existence again. All while his wife has been suspiciously absent. She was nowhere to be found before THE SCANDAL, and she’s cancelling anything that might remotely put her in the spotlight after it. If the wife stands beside you during this time, then it gives you credibility that you’re aren’t a sleazy deviant.

Instead, Cain is digging a hole that nobody knows how far it’ll go. Will it bury him, or will it build him support and funds from everybody that believes Cain is just an innocent victim of The Media? I say he falters under pressure, but I’ve been wrong about the Hermanator twice before, so it’s anybody’s guess. Besides, it’s not like Conservatives like the alternative very much.

Now it’s time for commercial break. This an official video from Herman Cain’s YouTube page where he pays tribute to the victims of 9/11 with “God Bless America,” which he sings. The video is so wrong on so many different levels, one of which is the fact that the video seems a little bit self-serving. You know, promoting yourself on an emotional level because you’re singing a patriotic anthem in tribute to 9/11. Did Obama ever do that?

So Yeah, That Happened: Florida & Herman Cain Edition

September 26, 2011 2 comments

I Think EVERYBODY Should Have Free Extra Cheese, For An Extra $1.99!

Apparently, there was a Florida Straw Poll over the weekend, on Saturday in fact, a fact that I was completely oblivious to until the news told me not only that this existed, but Herman Cain won it. Yes, Herman “My Pizza Places Look Like A Gas Station Subway” Cain was decided as the #1 pick for Republican Floridians. Or at least, for those Republican Floridians who bothered to attend.

Now, I’ve already waxed about the stupidity of the Iowa Straw Poll, but Florida is a little different. Granted, it’s still a straw poll, which by their very nature, are very bad at predicting Presidential candidates, or anything for that matter. But Florida actually has a good track record at picking candidates the last 3 times the poll has been held, picking Ronald Reagan, George Bush 1, and Bob Dole.

How The Mighty Have Fallen, And the Unlikely Have Risen... Like Pizza Dough!

Wait, where’s George Bush 2 in that? What about John McCain? Oh, that’s right, they haven’t had one in some 15 years because the idea of a Florida Straw Poll is inherently stupid. Think about it, the benefits of winning any Straw Poll are temporary at best, and the thought of spending valuable amounts of time and resources campaigning for a Straw Poll in the truly massive state of Florida is exceedingly ill-advised. That’s why Mitt Romney announced months in advance that he didn’t give a crap about any of these Straw Polls, anymore.

Still, even with not a crap given, Romney still got 14%, a very close 3rd. You know who actually made an effort in Florida? Herman Cain. Why? Because, not learning from the misguided mistake of Tim Pawlenty, he actually decided that the Florida Straw Poll was a good place to judge his progress in running for President. Unlike Pawlenty however, Cain was vindicated, and he will now continue until he finds another reason that he shouldn’t be President like he has twice before, before reconsidering.

I Was CEO of This For 10 Years!

That’s right kids, Herman Cain has thought to himself, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t be President’ not once, but twice now.

And who can blame him? Up until this point, Cain’s presence has only led to three things:

  1. An influx of Pizza jokes.
  2. Racial Diversity in the Republican Debates
  3. A Possible Audition for a Cabinet Position

Cain says that this win translates to “momentum,” but it’s illusionary momentum, if that. The other candidates think that Cain is a nice guy, and might make for a good VP, but for the people, there’s a lack of name-recognition, real political experience and let’s face it, that whole Pizza thing is a huge ‘Joke’ maker that he will never live down, nor does he want to, as he’s currently considering the slogan, “I Will Deliver,” apparently loving the joke lines Saturday Night Live writes to make fun of him. To put it simply, Herman Cain still has no chance of winning the Presidency, and selecting him for VP seems to me like a possible misguided suicide move. Again, to run for the highest political offices, you kind of have to be politically savvy, or have been in it at any point in your life, and no, running the Federal Reserve in Kansas City for a year doesn’t count.

Sorry Herman, but your Presidential Pizza is cold, soggy, and has less flavor than Pizza Hut pepperoni grease. See what I mean about the Pizza jokes? They write themselves AND they’re irresistible.

He Should Really Wear This Hat More Often; Increases His Coolness From Nilch Levels

A Photo Collage of the Repulbican Iowa Debate Winners & Losers

August 12, 2011 2 comments

"So let's say there's a bus full of children speeding off a bridge, and to save them you have to raise taxes by $10..." - Ezra Klein on the Hard Stance of the Republicans on Taxes

Loser: If at least half of this current crop of candidates actually won the Presidency, they'd instantly be in the running for Worst. President. Ever.

 

Loser: Not even seeming like a Republican at times, Huntsman buried himself with every unprofessional word and action he talked about. If there's one thing I know about him after tonight though, it's that he's Proud of basically everything he's ever laid a finger on.

Loser: Herman, who?

Loser: Between the constant bashing by Ron Paul and the thunderous applause of the audience, there was clearly a dislike of any Foreign Wars.

 

Winner: Not only is Michele Bachman stealing away her crazy and discrimination thunder, but she's just sitting quietly doing her thing until she'll called on for VP again or a Cabinet position. Either way, she's sitting pretty with less of the hassle.

Winner: Coming in late in the race, he gets a huge lead and the media attention while the weaker candidates get shoved under the rug.

Winner: Coming out early on his "7 Points to Fix the Economy," Romney had the only solid backing for a problem presented to any of the canidates all night. He'll keep his lead for at least a bit longer.

Winner: Sure, he'll never win crap, but he did an inadvertent job of turning the spotlight onto himself, confusing the crowd with his fast-talking into liking him, and he threw several people off game and off message. He's still crazy, but he livens things up.

Loser: Although he won favor with the Fox News commentators afterwords, his arguments were mostly superfluous, with his performance instantly forgettable.

Draw: Bachmann is Bachmann. Her hardline sticking to her principles would never work as Presidency, but for now, she's a Tea Party darling, which will make her very powerful through the early Caucuses.

Loser: Coming off as more than a bully than a fiery President, Pawlenty sealed his fate by picking a fight with anybody he could.

Loser: Although the whole moderating panel did a great job and asked legitimate questions all through the night, they were constantly attacked by the candidates and booed by the audience to the point I felt sorry for them.

Winner: For once, American Idol didn't have the most annoying audience on TV. Iowa beat them with hecklers, yellers, booers, and loud applause every time Ron Paul spoke. They wanted to hear what they wanted to hear, and nothing else.

Loser: Whoever picked the formatting of the debate, and I assume it's the network since they aired and mostly moderated it, did an awful job at it. candidates disappeared for long stretches of time, while some candidates hogged whole portions of the debate. In the end, it helped nobody, and even hurt a lot of the candidates.

Loser: Although 2 of the Republican candidates were from Minnesota, you would never know it with the amount of bashing that went on between them. Between them and Jesse Ventura as Governor, it's amazing the state is still livable.

Loser: In addition to being the home to that annoying crowd, they're historically bad at being an indication of the eventual Republican nominee due to their emphasis on Homeland values. Still, everybody puts way too much emphasis on its importance.

 

"I love America, and Barack Obama is not America, so I do not love Barack Obama." - Basically Everyone's Closing Remark