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“Oops…”: The Week In Debates for 11/06/11-11/12/11

November 14, 2011 Leave a comment

“Rick Perry isn’t the guy you want to have a Beer with, he’s the kind of guy who got a head start on the beer before you got there.” – Stephen Colbert

I made a boo boo!

I’m a busy man. I am most busy on Wednesdays, so I did not see the CNBC debate. When I was done being busy enough to check my Facebook at 11PM however, I was greeted by somebody posting the following video that simply said, “Watch Rick Perry’s Campaign End Before Your Eyes.” Uh oh… That can’t be good. I played it.

Note: When I was writing the piece, the video was still online, but due a copyright infringement claim by CNBC, the video has been taken down. Which warrants outrage in its own right, and probably some investigation since I could make the argument that this falls more into public domain.

Oh bother… Rick Perry is going onwards with his campaign, but he’s going to face more resistance than a non-white person trying to enter a building owned by Donald Trump. Since the debate happened well after the late night programs taped, things simmered overnight, then all hellfire crashed down. Not a ton of people watched Perry’s supposedly drunken speech, but aforementioned “Oops…” video hit well over two million views the last time I checked it. This is like when Miss South Carolina talked about her maps and the people that didn’t have them. No doubt about it, the people now know of the Brain Freeze of Rick Perry. Which is quite the accomplishment itself, since only 3.3 Million people saw it, half of the previous debate’s audience.

This Turtle Is Unhappy With The Current Batch of Republican Canidates

“I want to be President — but not like this.” – Saturday Night Live’s Mitt Romney

Last week, I wrote of Rick Perry’s then-current state as a Survivor contestant on Redemption Island that was looking to stage a comeback. Well, he’s now been voted off the island. After all, do you want your President, or Presidential candidate saying, “Oops?” Oops, I accidentally unloaded our entire nuclear arsenal on Canada! Oops, I accidentally outlawed heterosexual marriage! Oops, I accidentally made Ke$ha Vice-President! I feel like at this point, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush look like they have Master’s degrees comparatively.

Substitute Ron Paul for Batman and you can see how he trains for debates on Tuesdays

But you know what my favorite thing of all this was? Ron F’n Paul. “5!” he says. Perry is scrambling searching for the answer and asking anybody and everybody like a panicked freshman during a final exam and Ron Paul is just like, “5!” Yes, Rick Perry can’t think of 3 government agencies he’d like to cut and Ron Paul is just like, “I can name 5 government agencies to cut off the top of my head while punching sharks in the damn nose you dumb-ass rookie!” Or at least that’s what I imagine Ron Paul’s inner-monologue sounding like. He kind of weird that way. He could say that and it wouldn’t be surprising in the least.

Sure, Perry may have the most money out of any candidate except Romney at this point, but all the money in the world can’t invent time travel. Or can it? I know I’d put up with 8 years of Rick Perry if I was promised the invention of time travel. Heck, Herman Cain can do all the inappropriate things he allegedly wants to do if I get Time Travel out of the deal.

So, with Rick Perry accidentally chugging laxative before a Survivor challenge involving staying in a small cave with a group of hot women for 24 hours, Rick Perry has been voted off Redemption Island. And no, doing a Top 10 list on Letterman or repeating the phrase, “I Stepped In It” does not give you a pass to come back.

“Rick Perry could shoot a puppy during the online-exclusive portion of this debate and nobody would realize it.” – Me

Damn Roadrunner...

Then there was also a debate on a Saturday night, on CBS. Don’t worry, you’re forgiven if this is the first time you’re hearing about it. I didn’t know it existed until somebody told me a few hours beforehand, and even then, I had to find confirmation that it existed via TV Guide. If you went to CBS.com beforehand or during, or basically any website on the Internet outside of CBSnews.com, the existence of this debate was a complete non-story. Since CBS themselves treated it like a non-story, the  debate was itself a non-story. Essentially, there were two notable, if you want to call them that, events surrounding the debate.

First off, like the other debates, this debate was an hour and a half, but unlike the other debate, CBS was exclusively streaming the last 30 minutes online at CBSnews.com. Unless you lived exclusively in South Carolina or the West Coast, you had no way of seeing the debate in a non-offline scenario. For people like me, we were treated to yet another repeat of NCIS. Why? Ratings. The debate was watched by 5.29 million people. 5.5 million watched NCIS. Sure, it’s Saturday night, but CBS knows that people would rather see Mark Harmon’s face than Mitt Romney’s face. In fact, I’m starting it now…

2016 Bitches!

Now, I don’t know how many people watched the online portion of the debate, but because it was both online-only and on a Saturday night, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann could have done the nasty and literally nobody would know/care. Rick Perry, you should have made your mistake then. As/is, he just gave this soundbite:

“The communist Chinese government will end up on the ash heap of history if they do not change their virtues.” – Rick Perry

Sure, it’s incredibly ignorant and stupid, but it’s not a newsmaking gaffe. Since this is Progress for Perry, or hashtag “#PerryProgress,” Newsweek said he might have won the debate by virtue of not screwing up. Also, apparently the people also like the self-deprecation he’s doing in making fun of his own gaffe. Does this mean Perry can once again stage a comeback? No. Stop that. Perry was voted off Redemption Island, remember? I know Newt Gingrich is swimming back to shore, but… You know what? Screw it.

Put them all in a room with either each other, or each other AND a gorilla. Whoever comes out alive gets the Republican Nomination. So of course, Ron Paul will win. Damn it…

Fact: Ron Paul has Jedi Skills.

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Outwit. Outplay. Outlast: Mitt Romney

November 5, 2011 Leave a comment

Survivor: To Remain Alive or in Existence.

With the Holidays upon us, and Primary Season around the corner, it’s time to check-up, Survivor style, on how the Republican candidates are faring the media ringer. So does Mitt Romney prove that slow and steady wins the race? Will the Conservatives accept his rational ideas? Or do nice guys and people who draw the ire of Occupy Wall Street finish last?
Note: Because of the length of this episode, we have to separate by commercial breaks, so make sure to seek out the previous two blogs focusing on Bachmann & Perry and Herman Cain.

The One Who Wins The Million By Virtue Of Not Screwing Up, Before Being Ticked That The IRS Claims Half Of It In Income Tax

This Hat Says It, So It Must Be True. Either That Or This Hat Is Trying WAY Too Hard To Get Its Intentions Across

I’ve alluded to this before in these Survivor-style blogs, but Mitt Romney’s been put through the ringer, not once, but twice. First time in 2008, he caved under the barrage of flip-flopping charges, and inexperience with running for President, and utterly failed. 3 or 4 years later, and he’s come back again for more, this time with responses to his flip-flopping charges. No scandals are coming out, no questions he hasn’t heard before, no surprises. If there were, they would have come out by now. But no, Romney kept himself out of trouble since 2008 so he would have nothing new to deal with. Master the old stuff, and you can look like a pro.

He doesn’t really have anything new in a good way, but at least he doesn’t have anything new in an old way. He can handle the media, and he can handle his fellow candidates fairly well.  He doesn’t have to surge ahead. He can just sit around and let the Primaries come to him. He’s even doing well in Iowa, which he’s historically terrible at. All that, and he’s already started going directly after Obama for 2012.

Essentially, he only has one big problem: His Own Party.

I was recently listening to an episode of “On Point with Tom Ashbrook” this week, a program on NPR, and its exploration of Romney’s relation with his own party entitled simply, “Mitt Romney and the GOP.” Talking with various Conservative and political commentators, as well as the callers into the program, it’s interesting to hear people’s raw opinions on the man. Basically, Conservatives and Tea Partiers hate him because he’s not true to their values. A lot of people of the Christian faith hate him because he’s Mormon.

Like the Picture, Dislike the Implication

Now, if worst comes to worst for them and they’re faced with the choice of Romney vs. Obama, they won’t say, but for now, as ridiculous and idiotic as their reasons are, Romney will not have their support during the Primaries. The question is, can he overcome the apparently massive hate for him? Can he overcome perceptions of flip-flopping?

His attraction to Independents won’t matter until the general election, so until then, if he can get there, his biggest challenge will be his own party, which so far doesn’t really have a viable alternative. Unless you can’t Ron Paul, which you can’t because The Media says that Ron Paul cannot be counted, and is just a black hole to be ignored.

See? Mitt Romney is Walking On Water. Mitt Romney Is Therefore Jesus.

A Photo Collage of the Repulbican Iowa Debate Winners & Losers

August 12, 2011 2 comments

"So let's say there's a bus full of children speeding off a bridge, and to save them you have to raise taxes by $10..." - Ezra Klein on the Hard Stance of the Republicans on Taxes

Loser: If at least half of this current crop of candidates actually won the Presidency, they'd instantly be in the running for Worst. President. Ever.

 

Loser: Not even seeming like a Republican at times, Huntsman buried himself with every unprofessional word and action he talked about. If there's one thing I know about him after tonight though, it's that he's Proud of basically everything he's ever laid a finger on.

Loser: Herman, who?

Loser: Between the constant bashing by Ron Paul and the thunderous applause of the audience, there was clearly a dislike of any Foreign Wars.

 

Winner: Not only is Michele Bachman stealing away her crazy and discrimination thunder, but she's just sitting quietly doing her thing until she'll called on for VP again or a Cabinet position. Either way, she's sitting pretty with less of the hassle.

Winner: Coming in late in the race, he gets a huge lead and the media attention while the weaker candidates get shoved under the rug.

Winner: Coming out early on his "7 Points to Fix the Economy," Romney had the only solid backing for a problem presented to any of the canidates all night. He'll keep his lead for at least a bit longer.

Winner: Sure, he'll never win crap, but he did an inadvertent job of turning the spotlight onto himself, confusing the crowd with his fast-talking into liking him, and he threw several people off game and off message. He's still crazy, but he livens things up.

Loser: Although he won favor with the Fox News commentators afterwords, his arguments were mostly superfluous, with his performance instantly forgettable.

Draw: Bachmann is Bachmann. Her hardline sticking to her principles would never work as Presidency, but for now, she's a Tea Party darling, which will make her very powerful through the early Caucuses.

Loser: Coming off as more than a bully than a fiery President, Pawlenty sealed his fate by picking a fight with anybody he could.

Loser: Although the whole moderating panel did a great job and asked legitimate questions all through the night, they were constantly attacked by the candidates and booed by the audience to the point I felt sorry for them.

Winner: For once, American Idol didn't have the most annoying audience on TV. Iowa beat them with hecklers, yellers, booers, and loud applause every time Ron Paul spoke. They wanted to hear what they wanted to hear, and nothing else.

Loser: Whoever picked the formatting of the debate, and I assume it's the network since they aired and mostly moderated it, did an awful job at it. candidates disappeared for long stretches of time, while some candidates hogged whole portions of the debate. In the end, it helped nobody, and even hurt a lot of the candidates.

Loser: Although 2 of the Republican candidates were from Minnesota, you would never know it with the amount of bashing that went on between them. Between them and Jesse Ventura as Governor, it's amazing the state is still livable.

Loser: In addition to being the home to that annoying crowd, they're historically bad at being an indication of the eventual Republican nominee due to their emphasis on Homeland values. Still, everybody puts way too much emphasis on its importance.

 

"I love America, and Barack Obama is not America, so I do not love Barack Obama." - Basically Everyone's Closing Remark

5 Stories You Should Care About More Than Casey Anthony

June 29, 2011 1 comment

Casey Anthony: The Savior of Cable News For The Summer of 2011

Summer is a hard time for news. With all the summer vacations and holidays, news has a hard time mustering up the energy to happen, or at least reporters and anchors have a hard time mustering up the energy to report it. And who can blame them? Your audience is outside so they’re not watching TV, the weather is nicer outside than it is in a news studio, and there’s human interest stories a plenty. As a result, this summer in particular has been mired in the doldrums of stories the media is trying to get you care about in order to watch them. The death of Osama Bin Laden was really the last big news story, and since then we’ve had floods, fires, Weiners and that’s really it in terms of sustainable news that can headline your broadcast night after night. So, what’s a cable news network supposed to fill their time with to keep you interested? The Casey Anthony trial.

But I say, “No. Resist.” To reasons I will get to later in this article, you must resist because there’s actually stuff you should be caring about, so I’ve created a game for myself. Whenever a news anchor tries to tell me of the happenings that day, that hour, that minute in the Casey Anthony trial, I’ve been playing, “Spot The Real News.” You should play it too. The following is 5 things you will find, and therefore 5 things you should care about more than Casey Anthony.

In all honesty, if most of these people got the nomination, Obama wouldn't even have to campaign to win.

#1: The Republican Race: Yes, we are in fact about a year and a half before the next Presidential race, and about 6 months before the race really starts going, but the candidates are filing in, coming out and wanting your vote. If you don’t pay attention now, you could end of like Iowa. In a recent poll, 7% of Iowans say they would vote for Ron Paul for the Republican nomination, and 10% say they would vote for former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain. This means that at least 17% of the people surveyed in this poll are idiots, because they’d either put a crazy man in office, who you could easily make drop out of the race if you simply sent a gaggle of kids to mess up his lawn, or a man that used to own a small, mediocre pizza chain with no political experience. Do not become like these people. There are no less than 7 current candidates at the moment, with Mitt Romney in a near dead-heat with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann. It’s old guard Republican vs. new guard? Who’ll win out? It’s hard to tell at the moment, but if you tune out until January, you’ll miss the race to find the answer. Also, if you miss the craziness Trump brought, I give you Jonathon Sharkey, who not only looks like porn star Ron Jeremy, but also is a self-proclaimed vampire.

This Chart Is Shocking On So Many Levels

#2: Afghanistan: Yeah, I know it’s a war in the Middle East, but it’s important because we’re still there, despite a stunningly high number of Americans saying we shouldn’t be there. Despite this, the President is opting for a slower withdrawal that would keep the war going until at least 2014, to the criticism of some, who say we should finish the job, no matter how long it takes since we’ve been there for some 10-years anyways. Also, did you know that President Obama has quadrupled the number of soldiers in Afghanistan since he took over from President Bush? These are the types of things you learn when you’re not watching Nancy Grace.

Benazir Bhutto may have been a great leader, but her husband is the literal Worst.

#3: Pakistan: So, if we’ve seen one clear sign in the aftermath of the death of Osama Bin Laden, it’s that the Pakistani government is kind of one big jerk. You know, hiding known terrorists, arresting those who help us catch terrorists, and getting mad when we kill a terrorist without their permission. Etc., so on. Problem is, Pakistan holds nuclear weapons, so we have to be careful in dealing with them. Also, there’s the fact that we’ve given Pakistan some 20-billion dollars since 2001, and we continue to give them billions every year. Why? I don’t know because nobody cares enough to ask or do anything about it. However, if there was outrage like there is to get tickets to be in the courtroom of the Casey Anthony trial, maybe more people would care and do something about it.

#4: Greece Has Gone To Crap: Greece is broke so they have to cut spending and raise taxes. The people have not taken to this lightly, and have been in the process of burning down the country off and on for the past year. What’s crazy is that it’s actually getting worse. America, this could be your future and worse, which brings me to…

The Riots In Greece

#5: The Economy: Guess what, the economy isn’t getting better. Sure, there’s improvements, but for every market getting back up, another one falls into more trouble. As a result, everything is kind of stagnant in an unsure time where anybody doing anything doesn’t really know what thing to do, or when. So we’re kind of stuck until somebody currently doing something figures out what to do, or it fixes itself, or what Mitt Romney wants, Americans see him as the best person to fix it, so they elect him President and he fixes it.

If They Show This Image Again, It'll Be Permanently Burned Into Our Minds & TVs

Now that you really think about it, all the important news stories are kind of depressing in their own way. No wonder the media doesn’t want to cover it, and you don’t want to watch it. I mean, with all these horrible things happen, no wonder America is looking towards the trial of a possibly irresponsible mother who possibly neglected, abused, suffocated and killed her 3-year old daughter. Oh, wait… That’s kind of depressing too. But hey, it’s just a harmless bunch of crazy people doing crazy things, and there’s a cute little white girl we can all feel sorry for to give us all the illusion that we can watch the trial and root for justice to be served. I mean, it’s not like this is world-affecting or anything. No nuclear war can possibly come of this trial. No riots and end of the world scenarios here. No silly politicians being silly anywhere.

You can tell that to yourself to help you sleep at night, but at the end of the day, there’s always a list of stuff happening and a long list of stuff we need to do. It’s not all going to go away by watching a useless murder trial.